𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚏𝚕𝚞𝚡 𝙽𝚎𝚝𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔

[It's one of those slow days for a certain god, so he's started mulling over things in that ominous sort of way one does around 3am. This despite the fact it is NOT three in the fucking morning and is instead during the day when normal people are doing normal people things.

Sadly, Yato is not normal.]

Hey guys! I've been thinking, if you could choose what sort of kaiju shows up next, what would it be?

Some of us want a big turkey or chicken kaiju for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but how cool would it be if there was a capybara kaiju?! Or maybe you wanna see a unicorn one! Or something freaky with tentacles and lots of eyes! You monsterfuckers, you. Hehe~

So tell me about your dream kaiju! I'm all ears!

And no saying "no kaiju" - that's cheating!

( it comes as video at first. the image of someone kicking a chair over in the cafeteria, the sound of "THE HELL?!!!" being screeched at a pitch even dogs can hear. there's a bottle and a half-filled glass on a flat table nearby.

maybe he didn't mean to send that. maybe he did. either way, there's a text immediately after. )

whaddya mean we can't
TASTE A DRINK NEITHER???
how long is this gonna last?
th... a week? a whole 'nother month?
where's that damn cure, huh?
how long's that gonna take?

( let the panic begin. )

... how're the rest of ya coping
with not bein' able to eat real food, or drink, or

( a pause. )

and don't say anything stupid
like i shoulda just not gotten bit

[ It starts like a 21st century video on a 21st century video app, with a guy in a funky get-up backing away from what can only be a camera lens. How? Why? Don’t worry about it. Worry instead about what’s going on: the guy, taking a seat on a plastic crate and pulling up a funky stringed instrument, one which he strums in one grand and dissonant swipe.

Got your attention? Good. That sounded terrible. He knows it did; it’s in the curl of his lip, and in the tip of his head like he’s looking at you, dear audience, challenge in every angle of his maddening face. Who wears sunglasses at night? This guy.

Pay mind, now. He’s begun to play. It isn’t a crazy crash of notes this time, though. This time, it’s harmonious when he launches into a song, plectrum a blur over silvery strings.

Well, what the hell.

When he’s done, without any warning, he points at the camera, at you, dear audience. ]

Are you tired of AI-generated media cluttering your feeds? Do you long for the spirit of music to grip your empty, human hearts once again? Do you wish to create something soulful for humanity to cling to before the next kaiju attack ruins your seasonal plans?

[ Another strum, a little threateningly. Twannng. ]

The time to create is now. Rise to the top as Neo-Tokyo’s new idol sensation. Start a band that the people will revere for the remainder of humanity’s tenure on this planet.

Allow me to help you.

Greetings everyone. I am contacting you on behalf of Nicholas D. Wolfwood (user name: punisher).

He recently made a post offering his services as a priest to those who wish to confess their sins. While admirable, the payment he asks in return for such a service is unacceptable. Normally he should be chastised for such behavior, however the money he hopes to earn through his service is to be used for a noble cause: helping the orphaned children of this world. I believe this cause to be an important one and he deserves to be commended for having decided to take it on!

Unfortunately, he lacks the confidence to ask for donations, hence his resorting to selling what should be a sacred service for money. He is convinced nobody will help him, as people typically never give anything away without the expectation of getting something back.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could reassure him that the people in this world are generous. While nothing is prepared yet to receive donations, I am sure he will feel heartened to see the kindness and benevolence we are all capable of. I will personally donate some of my own money when the time comes.

Thank you for your time.

— Ereshkigal, Goddess of Death and Queen of Kûr